The story behind why I started Never the 99:
I was raised in the LDS church by devout first-generation and third-generation LDS parents. Growing up, I was the epitome of the perfect Mormon girl. I served in leadership through all my Young Womens classes and eventually as Seminary class president in high school and Relief Society president in my YSA ward in college.
I attended Brigham Young University and married a returned missionary at the ripe age of 19, after knowing him for only three months, in the Twin Falls temple. We began “multiplying and replenishing” right away, and at the age of 20 I had my son, and my second baby, a daughter, 18 months later. I was a stay-at-home mom finishing my degree online in the evenings; my husband was also in school full-time and gone typically 8-12 hours per day for his classes, internship, and church callings, while I tended to the kids and home duties. Shortly after marrying, we moved to a small southern town, and the isolation and undertone of my disconnected marriage began to slowly drain me. My only activities outside of the home for years were attending church on Sundays and the occasional Relief Society gathering, and our monthly trips to the temple, and I felt a sense of satisfaction in ensuring my energy and free time were rightfully spent in fulfilling our duty as faithful church members. I loved my kids more than life itself, and found so much joy in spending all my time with them, but an underlying level of depression and anxiety that I had no resources to tend to would soon lead me into a hole that I couldn’t get out of alone.
When I earned my degree from BYU, I felt like for the first time in my life I had a choice in leaving the church. Throughout my life I had experienced several moments of doubt and questioning through my personal journey, but had learned at the age of 12, in my first temple interview with my bishop, that questioning was meant to be brushed away as attempts from the devil to deceive me into doubting the truth and my faith. When I began to pull back on my church attendance and started standing up for myself in my marriage, things fell apart very quickly. The way my family, especially my parents and husband, reacted to my questioning, as well as the church authorities, who had insisted on interviews and counseling sessions with me, solidified my decision.
The fallout is difficult to explain to those who have never known the oppression that comes with a life of being raised in the LDS culture. I believed my husband had all authority over me, and I believed my parents and other family members when they all said I no longer deserved to be a mother since I was on a clear path to destruction in choosing to leave the church. My husband took our two young kids and moved back to his small hometown, and told me if I wanted to be with them then I had to follow and get my faith back in line. With all my conviction, I felt the only hope for my kids to have a level of escape from the LDS church was to establish my independence and forge my own path outside of the culture, and I felt I had to do it completely alone. I hit a point of what felt like there was no turning back, and the shame of losing them led me into a spiral of… to put it lightly… all things rock-n-roll.
I believe one of the most dangerous LDS beliefs, on top of the teaching that it is a Christian religion, is that feelings are considered a beacon for truth. Testimonies are encouraged to be built on a foundation of feeling, which opens up the faith experience to an entire spiritual realm of influence. Because of this core teaching, upon leaving the church, my beliefs made the easy and natural transition into my own thoughts and sense of “self” being the only thing I could trust, and therefore my feelings became my authority. I spent several years in what I would describe as a mix of atheism and americanized buddhism, with a faith stance of “a healthy appreciation for world religions”, and a strong belief that all of the different religions and belief systems were simply a representation in the ways that peoples of different cultures and walks of life related to a “sense of God and purpose”.
I had my first true “come to Jesus” moment about 5 years after leaving the church, and at that point was able to see the ways God was recklessly pursuing my heart and patiently calling me to Him. Though I couldn’t see it along the way, He was undoubtedly opening doors and bringing people into my life who I could trust to speak truth and slowly break down my walls. Those years in between were filled with moments that could have brought about complete life destruction and even death on multiple occasions. The path to and beyond this point was not graceful, but my life today is more redeemed than I ever thought possible.
The first step in coming to know Jesus was disentangling LDS doctrine to the point of being able to recognize that it is, in fact, not Christianity. This allowed me to drop my “been there done that” mentality, and rationalization that I already “knew what Christianity was selling” and I “knew better than to fall for that trick again”.
I’d love to say that giving my life to Jesus changed my heart completely in a moment and I was healed from all my past hurts, but the reality is laying my life down at the feet of Jesus for me has been all about the struggle. I have a vivid memory from a sacrament meeting service as a youth, when my bishop was at the pulpit talking about how “born again Christians” had a very “convenient faith”, and why the LDS church was so important and impressive in comparison with all its’ standards, revelations, covenants, etc. He went on to point out all the different sects of Christianity, just as Joseph Smith did in his founding story, and how there had to be one true sect. For me, the switch flipped when I realized Christianity is about the relationship, not the religion, and I learned that God is after our hearts and does not shy away from our mess. And if I’m being honest, giving my life to Jesus and following the Way has been, and continues to be, the most difficult thing I’ve ever done.
Reaching a point of understanding of true GRACE and the goodness of God, and His unrelenting unwavering love for me, was the necessary starting point. For me, this was achieved through brining all my anger, fear, frustration, and shame to God in prayer in an organic and personal space, then diving into the Bible with a fresh perspective and desire to find Truth.
My prayer is that my story and this community can be a resource for anyone longing for the same solstice and Love that I have come to know through my relationship with Jesus, no matter the level of religious trauma or other “baggage” that may be on the table. There is a lot to work through when we get into the work of disentangling LDS doctrine and forming a true understanding of biblical teaching, but the freedom that comes with it will change your life completely in the most beautiful and redemptive way.
A common theme I see among those I walk alongside leaving the LDS church is this: a deep fear that coming to God will result in a level of reprimand or bring up past religious trauma that has already been conveniently pushed out of mind. This is all natural, but it is evidence that we are still allowing those traumas to own us. Freedom is on the other side of that fear.
I hope we can start with this: a desire to believe that He truly left the 99 for YOU. He is calling you into a new and beautiful relationship, and I believe His heart is broken over your hurt and yearning for your healing. You’re not in it alone, you were never meant to be. If you are longing for support along the journey, let’s walk this road together.
With love, MJ
never the 99 